Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Reader Letter: Wife Is Very Pleased


"Writing at my wife's request who recently found your blog. She's so pleased by the benefits of this that she wonders why allow any ejaculation, ever? Two weeks in so far and I'm worried about health consequences, although she says those are overblown. She also took to the separate bed idea given my constant night erections. So now after some gentle oral attention under the covers while she reads, followed by a nightly leg and foot massage while she falls asleep, I retreat to the sofa. Worried I'm becoming more of a maid than a husband (yes, apron and all), although in all other areas we're communicating and getting along better than ever. Advice?"

I’m so glad that both of you are finding retention rewarding.  You will need to ascertain the benefits or ill effects of retention for yourselves.  I really can’t make a recommendation.  Consult your physician.   Just keep up on the latest studies and see where it leads you.  As far as the psychology of the relationship you can also alternate back and forth and see if the marriage is better with retention or without.

"She's so pleased by the benefits of this that she wonders why allow any ejaculation, ever?”

No ejaculations ever?  It’s just my opinion that ejaculation reinforces erections keeping it likely that they will occur more frequently.  I like erections, and that’s my target behavior.  If erections are never allowed to ejaculate, there may be fewer and fewer erections just going by behavioral science principles.  They call that putting behavior on extinction when the reinforcer (in this case: ejaculation) is never delivered.  Intermittent reinforcement causes target behavior to strengthen.  So when I let him squirt once a week but not always, his penis always has hope that this time may be the time and not just exist in despair of why bother because it’s not going to happen anyway.  I’ve heard of men that retain for very long periods, like for months and months. I’m not sure what the right answer is.  Each couple will have to work that out for themselves.  I think if I said never, my husband’s sex drive may dwindle, and he may lose interest.  There are plenty of couples out there that don’t have sex and both libidos are low.  His desire fuels mine and drives our sex life.  We’re tied very close together like that. You'll have to discuss your ejaculation schedule with your wife.  She can experiment with it and see where your sweet spot is.  It probably varies with each male.

Also from a medical stand point, it may be beneficial to flush the pipes so to speak for prostate health.

"She also took to the separate bed idea given my constant night erections"

I'm so sorry you lost your bed.  I hope you're getting proper rest.  Personally, separate beds works best for us for the reason your wife has stated.  Erections are for women that are awake.  I hope you can find room for a proper bed somewhere so you can have your own space.  There are definitely benefits to separate beds.  We use his bed for sex, and it keeps my sheets clean.  Most people associate separate bedrooms with a marriage gone bad.  We associate separate bedrooms with a marriage that is so passionate, sleep doesn't happen unless there are separate rooms.  I don't advise people to do it.  I don't want to be the cause of people drifting apart.  Many find a close connection by sharing the same bed.  Experiment and see what works.

"Worried I'm becoming more of a maid than a husband (yes, apron and all)"

I can see this being a common concern as men discover their true nature through retention.  And when your surrounded by free ejaculating men that haven't been trained to retain, you will probably notice differences between you and other men.  Being a maid and husband aren't exclusively separate roles, IMO.  If your wife is happy expanding your role as husband to include being the maid, that's up to her.  I think you just need her assurance that she still respects you as a man.  Conventional societal roles are hard to overcome.


"in all other areas we're communicating and getting along better than ever. Advice?"

And that's what it's all about.  Don't force it.  Flow with it.  Have regular companion inventories.  Make sure you're both on the same page and heading in the same direction, and you won't need advice from anybody.

~Namaste

 Thanks to my hubby for help with the website ...and the orgasms!

DISCLAIMER: This blog depicts the loving consensual agreed upon relationship between the author and her husband.  Every relationship should be safe, sane and consensual.  Anything else is illegal. This blog is not meant to substitute for your personal due diligence and is not to be taken as medical advice.


32 comments:

  1. I love this post and answers. There is always prostate milking to maintain sexual health.... every 3 weeks or so.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would just add to make sure you've studied up on the topic of milking a prostate before attempting it. People should be aware that they can cause damage if done improperly, so know what your doing. Just don't start poking around in there without an education. Even for me, milking a prostate can be an exercise in frustration as my fingers are short which makes reaching the prostate difficult. Thanks for stopping by, Lisa!

      Delete
    2. My wife asks if there are toys/tools either she or I could use to stimulate the prostate (she says she has zero desire to put fingers up there). Her fear though is that this might stimulate an actual orgasm instead.

      Delete
    3. I don't have recommendations or a lot of info. I think Aneros specializes in that kind of thing. My husband bought something from Aneros but it was more trouble than it was worth for him. Make sure you educate yourself before attempting. Severe damage is possible.

      Delete
    4. Maybe a dumb question but is prostate milking something a physician or doctor should be consulted about, or would they feel uncomfortable? One of my wife's good friends is a GP and my wife is thinking if we both sat down with her she might have some suggestions or thoughts.

      Delete
    5. Yoga Girl's Husband (moderator)Tuesday, July 11, 2017

      If you have a health issue, always consult your provider. If you have a GP that's a friend, all the better. I'm going to close the prostate milking topic now. YG has already said what she has to say about it.

      Delete
  2. Thank you so much for the response, which she read aloud in bed last night as I stayed busy elsewhere. My wife asked me to address a few points in response this morning to clarify:

    One, it's "probably" not her intention to cut off my ejaculation altogether and forever, but since we are just beginning to explore these roles she wanted to establish how serious she was from the start. Though she has no interest in prostate milking, she does enjoy me being erect more often than not around the house and finds endless ways to tease me. Her nightly foot rubs, for instance, always find her free foot keeping me attentive. She is interested in finding ways to maybe edge me to the brink and "flush the pipes" this way, versus allowing me sex.

    Two, as for losing the bed, this is due to my inability to control my erections, she says, even if that inability is basically out of my control. I will add that I volunteered recently to wear some kind of restrictive cage or device to aid this. However, since taking over all of the household chores I've found myself both waking, and going to bed at least an hour before/after she does, and she doesn't want this schedule to disrupt her. I do admit to not sleeping as well without her, and I miss our snuggling/cuddling more than anything. However I admit that she may have a point when she says that the intimacy of nightly, hour(s) long cunnilingus and foot worship before she falls asleep should more than make up for that.

    Finally, she admitted she hadn't fully appreciated how emasculated I may feel losing my spot in bed and inheriting basically the role of housemaid. Though she understands why I might feel that way, she challenged me to consider that feeling so was a bit selfish on my part given how much pleasure the recent status change has brought her. She said feeling like less of a man by taking care of everything from dishes to laundry to toilet cleaning to personal tasks such as leg shaving and toenail painting was more a testament to my insecurities and ego than it was to any insensitivities or overreach on her part.

    She finished by saying that her "respect" for me as man could only increase the more I listened to her and trusted her. I admit I almost feel bad now even bringing up some of my objections, because like I said in my initial post these are conversations and topics that never could have or would have come up in our marriage under our more traditional roles. I kissed her feet, turned off the light and left her bedroom with what is now a familiar and constant dull pain below--proof of my devotion to her, she says.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "One, it's "probably" not her intention to cut off my ejaculation altogether and forever, but since we are just beginning to explore these roles she wanted to establish how serious she was from the start.”

      I agree with her. In the beginning, I had to demonstrate how serious I was and was very involved in letting him know I was monitoring his masturbation or lack of it in the beginning. So I was in his business a lot letting him know I hadn’t forgotten and this wasn’t some transitory game. Things have relaxed a bit as we head into year two. He has demonstrated he has been responsible, and I allow him to stimulate himself without ejaculation of course.

      "She said feeling like less of a man by taking care of everything from dishes to laundry to toilet cleaning to personal tasks such as leg shaving and toenail painting was more a testament to my insecurities and ego than it was to any insensitivities or overreach on her part.”

      Again, I agree with her. But at the same time I would be sensitive to the culture my husband lives in as a man, and do what I could to reassure my husband that he is becoming more of a man as I redefine his role with retention. He’s existing in two different worlds so inner conflict may abound. That’s one of the reasons weekly companion inventories are so instrumental in opening the lines of communication especially at the beginning of this journey. His relationship with his penis is changing as he’s lost his fundamental right to ejaculate freely at his whim as well as what society may view as a male role. But he’s also gaining more rewards that other men will never know.

      "I admit I almost feel bad now even bringing up some of my objections,”

      Never feel bad about that. Communication is vital.

      It can be challenging, but if my husband weren’t reaping emotional, physical and psychological rewards from this, he wouldn’t be doing it. If that dull pain doesn't go away, you know how to cure it. I don't know why, but my husband doesn't get blue balls when there's stimulation from intercourse. I think it's just a different energy flow or something.

      Delete
    2. My wife is pleased you agree. Per the blue balls, I think I understand your suggestion. I could be trained to penetrate her but not ejaculate, essentially leaving me where I am today but perhaps less sexually frustrated, emasculated and in [dull but constant] pain? Our only other question is how hard is the learning curve for this training, and also what kind of consequences or punishments you used with your husband early on to "demonstrate how serious I was" and also to maybe correct any mistakes he might make?

      Delete
    3. Actually, I was referring to ejaculation as the cure. Constant blue balls I imagine is no fun. For penetration, I would suggest Karezza as the starting point. There's plenty to read about it here and of course google. Chapter 3, 3-1, 4 and chapter 6 cover the other topics in detail. I try to only share our experience and what has worked for us. It may be totally different for other couples. I've done this with only one man. The journey may be quite different for you as a couple. Penetration is important to me/us and has spiritual implications anchored in Taoist tradition. And it's the reason I'm so adamant about him retaining. He has seen the benefits of it in our relationship and is glad I'm willing to be his discipline in the heat of the moment when he might be weak.

      Delete
    4. Yes, constant blue balls are no fun, but as my wife points out, it may be a small price to pay for the benefits of retention not only that she enjoys but that I do as well (less irritability, more energy, better able to focus on and anticipate her needs, etc.) But I will float the idea of penetration by her and will look into Karezza. From what she's said only two weeks in to all of this, she vastly prefers my nightly oral attention to any past penetration (from an orgasm standpoint), so that may be a tough point to get past.

      Delete
    5. Things will continue to evolve. Personally, I like the flow of energy from penetration.

      Delete
    6. She says to ask you why that energy from penetration can't be replicated by me (or her) maneuvering a toy in/out of her? Part of my problem too is my wife does not really believe in "blue balls", she says, and thinks i am exaggerating just to gain sympathy. I've tried to literally show her the change in appearance/color, but only get an eye roll, ice and an even longer list of chores from her ("to distract me") in return! Should i just wait it out and hope she takes pity at some point? Not sure of an alternative.

      Delete
    7. Well, a toy isn't the same as a real penis by a long shot for me. In any eastern tradition, it's about the union and energy exchange between both partners and the gateway for that is the union between lingam and yoni. You need to decide if this arrangement is bringing you closer together and is rewarding and if you really want her to help you retain. She can do her own research on whether blue balls is a real condition. Often it will go away in a few hours. If it doesn't, ejaculate and see if it corrects the condition. See a doctor if it isn't corrected with ejaculation. Many teenage boys have gotten blue balls being with a girl that won't relieve them. It typically goes away in a few hours or they masturbate. They say this build up of ejaculate causing discomfort is reabsorbed and the discomfort dissipates, but do your own due diligence on the matter. There's a whole community of men at NO FAP, I'm sure they must discuss this quite a bit as they don't masturbate. https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php

      Delete
  3. Hi,Yoga Girl. Does your husband serve and pleasure you better with semen retention?What are the advantages of flr, and who is the head of household in your family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Does your husband serve and pleasure you better with semen retention?"

      He’s much more aroused during intercourse which plays a huge part in my pleasure. And he also last longer, so yes

      "What are the advantages of flr, and who is the head of household in your family."

      I would phrase it as what are the advantages of retention? My husband retains therefore he is receptive to a FLR. I am the sole income earner. I feed him. I cloth him. I buy him the toys he wants. He ejaculates on my schedule, and I support him in meeting that schedule. I would say I am, but my husband is still very alpha in public.

      Delete
  4. Hi Yoga Girl,

    I am a long time lurker, and I really need your advice. Of my own volition I started retaining during sex, telling my girlfriend I wanted to try it out and I have been quite happy with the results. It genuinely makes the sex feel better for me as a man.

    My issue is with whether or not to take the next step forward and really incorporate retention and flr into our relationship. The only reason I am hesitant to do so and accept my true nature is because like your husband, I am more of the alpha type on the outside. While I am perfectly content submitting to my girlfriend in every way (she really is a goddess to me, when retaining she quite literally is), I don't see how I would be able to maintain an alpha image in public.

    Both my girlfriend and I work, but my girlfriend is (co incidentally) a doctor, and as we move forward I could easily see myself quitting my job to be a househusband like yours. You constantly mention your husband being alpha, and at the same time you also feed him, cloth him, and buy him what he wants as the sole income earner. I guess I am wondering how you and your husband managed to reconcile that with him being alpha, since to an outside observer it would be painfully obvious who the true leader in the relationship is.

    I know it is out of our control what others think, but the thoughts and judgements of family, friends and coworkers are important to both my girlfriend and I.

    Also, as you have mentioned in prior posts, longer periods between ejaculations seem to make men more submissive and worshipping of their women. Even to the point that your husband suggested you taking another lover. Other commenters have said their men with longer ejaculation schedules actually crave them taking another lover. In spite of all this, your husband is still alpha!

    I'm sure your husband obeys you without question in public. How does he maintain his alpha image in public despite the all the indicators otherwise?

    If you don't mind me asking I was wondering a few specific things. Did your husband work before becoming a stay-at-home? And if so, how much did he make relative to you? And how did friends/family react when he first quit his job? If my girlfriend were expecting I'm sure I could get away with something like that, but otherwise I don't know how I would explain not having a job to both my and my girlfriend's parents without severely emasculating myself. Also what does your husband look like physically? I could imagine that having to do with his alpha image in public.

    I apologize for the length of the comment and if any questions were out of line. I greatly admire your work and it has helped my life (and my girlfriend's) tremendously.

    Thank you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I’m not sure what your job is, but as a doctor, I would imagine your girlfriend substantially outperforms you money wise. My logic would be just how much money do we need anyway? And as you progress in your relationship, children will come along. It really becomes a dollars and sense kind of issue. It’s only logical that the highest earner continue while the lower earner support the household and children. To me it also makes sense that one partner is flexible with their schedule and available when the other partner is free. How can a relationship grow when both are fully booked. I can’t think of any reasonable person that would think or suggest that it would be any way advisable or possible for her to quit and be a housewife after making that kind of investment in time, education and money. Again, I don’t know what you do, but I doubt it compares to what she has done. So, something has to give, and it seems like it would be you, and she should maintain her career course. When you say quit your job, I think of it as more of well a “job” not a career or profession that you have invested in. In our case it just made sense. I outperformed him (and 99% of all other men in our area) by so much it would have been crazy for me to quit. We don’t deal with family that frequently. We don’t even consider their opinion. Without getting into specifics, we also live in an area where my husband can’t apply his particular trade. I really don’t expect him to go grab a job at the big box store.

      As far as the public stuff, I would say we’re quite normal and conventional. I hate carrying a purse. He has all the money even though what’s in it has been earned by me. He pays. That’s about the most alpha thing any man can do in society. It’s typically what people expect. There’s never been an occurrence where I’ve ever needed to or felt that I’ve had to tell him what to do.

      "And how did friends/family react when he first quit his job?"

      For us it was just the logical thing to do. I’d rather not get into specifics to maintain anonymity. I earned much more, and the time required one of us to devote more attention to a certain project. Again, just how much money do two people need?

      "If my girlfriend were expecting I'm sure I could get away with something like that, but otherwise I don't know how I would explain not having a job to both my and my girlfriend's parents without severely emasculating myself."

      It’s more important what your girlfriend thinks. Is this what she wants and is comfortable with? It may also be something you want to postpone until your married and she’s expecting. I agree, if she’s expecting, the choice will be more obvious to everyone. There should be some sort of need to justify the end. Inlaws can be an emotional drag on your relationship especially if you have frequent contact with them. Even with you working, you may be dealing with some sort of public image problem if the income disparity is large. Society is changing and perceptions are evolving to expect that many women are the primary providers for a household. I would think this should be driven by your girlfriend. If she floated the idea as her desire to have a house husband and the benefits of it as a trial balloon to the relatives, that could give a feel for it.

      "Also what does your husband look like physically? I could imagine that having to do with his alpha image in public."

      He’s an amazing good looking guy. He’s witty and funny. If it comes up he just says he’s retired or he’s invested well which he has. I’m the best investment he’s ever made among others.

      Delete
  5. I've been working on semen retention with my wife, but our main challenge is that in this first couple of months I ejaculate within a minute when we have intercourse. After decades of ejaculating once each day on average, when I go 5 days I lose it fast...I'm guessing it will take some time to 're-train' myself.

    My wife loves penetration and would love it if I could longer and stay erect longer. Did ejaculation control just improve with time with your husband? Were there training exercises he used?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've only done this with one man so my experience is limited. He's lucky in that I can orgasm so quickly and move to the next orgasm. He does use breathing techniques sometimes. I think it's just slow inhale and slow exhale redirecting energy that way. It seems to work for him. Mostly we just stop thrusting with him still inside and let him back off for a couple of minutes. Not moving is still very intimate. Keep in mind that thrusting is goal oriented. Your goal of ejaculation is eliminated so where are you going. There is pleasure to be had even with very little movement. And you'll get even bigger and harder as arousal increases without ejaculation. At the risk of sounding like a broken record...Karezza. It doesn't take long to get my nine. I'm sure there are numerous other techniques if you look under tantra and lasting longer.

      Delete
    2. We have a similar problem although it does seem to help when I back away from thrusting and let her direct me on breathing, tempo etc...she did find recently that the "T" position you described on the blog works perfect for this, although my issue there is her foot in my face is actually a turn on and this doesn't help me much! Her thought there is if I can learn to focus on her foot (i.e. rhythmic toe sucking and/or licking) rather than my own penis/orgasm I can actually redirect some energy this way and last longer?

      Delete
    3. I love the "T" position. It let's me masturbate freely but with like a living moaning dildo between my legs. That's a good idea to redirect energy that way. It also keeps you busy/distracted somewhat until it's time to put it away.

      Delete
  6. What is your thought on repercussions if the man is not able to control his ejaculation? My wife is worried that without consequences that I may not be as motivated to truly abstain to the best of my abilities. She is very results oriented, so she feels like if she is going to spend the time to "train" me, she needs to be sure that the results are worth the effort.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "What is your thought on repercussions if the man is not able to control his ejaculation?"

      That's dealt with a lot in chap 3 and 3-1(click on the book link above). It matters most what the couple thinks of it. My husband has had input on the repercussions of unauthorized ejaculation and I support him in delivering it.

      "My wife is worried that without consequences that I may not be as motivated to truly abstain to the best of my abilities."

      She's probably right to be concerned. My husband would certainly choose ejaculation in the heat of the moment if there were no consequences. We do what works for us. Each couple will have to decide on what works for them.

      "She is very results oriented, so she feels like if she is going to spend the time to "train" me, she needs to be sure that the results are worth the effort."

      We only share our journey. I can make no recommendations, but this blend of FLR and ancient Taoist tradition works for us. IMO, I think if it's pursued solely as a fetish, it would not be lasting for us. Its the spiritual roots that anchor and commit me to it, and I incorporate it into my spiritual practice.

      Delete
  7. My wife wants to share our story with some of her girl friends but I don't. She also wants me there to explain my side of the story to them. I am afraid of what others(the husbands)will think about me?

    I have trouble putting my foot down now as she always gets her way with everything. I have lost all control in our life together but in some strange way I am so happy with this new life but at the same time fear it. It has only been since March with just two release dates for me.

    Am I right to stand up to her on this idea of telling her girl friends or should I just give in........again?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm not a counselor for other people. If it were my husband, I would respect his wishes. Again, companion inventories and communication is always vital in a relationship. It sounds like she wants to help her girlfriends experience the same benefits she has reaped from your relationship. She should be able to see that you might feel humiliated by this revelation and adjust.

    My husband has told people but just focuses on the retention aspect. There has been a tradition of it for many men in Taoist and Tantra for hundreds of years. It can be a very virile thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm surprised by your response here as I would think that if it's truly important to the wife to be able to share their story then the husband should find a way to put aside his ego and selfish pride. Per my own experience with this, my wife used telling/sharing with others as a form of aversive stimulus; specifically, certain transgressions found us sharing our story with several of her girlfriends, whom she'd ask to allow me to come over to clean their apartments or homes, or complete other tasks (anything from pedicures to weeding) to their satisfaction while they chatted, shopped, etc. I certainly was embarrassed if not humiliated at first, as I had to "ask" them in front of my wife if they would allow me to "make up" for anything from unauthorized ejaculations, to ejaculations that were too quick, to too many nighttime erections (the last one always amused one of her friends especially).

      That said, I found that these women were for the most part very considerate in their response, most even outright commending me for my willingness to retain and my overall commitment to pleasing my wife, no matter the consequences. I will say all of these women happened to be single, so there was no fear on my part about what another man or husband would say. They also were very curious how I felt physically (oddly sympathetic even) and of course more than jealous of my wife's orgasm tally. I am now considered part of their group more than ever before and enjoy their friendship, whereas before I would hardly speak to or acknowledge them. And aside from all that, my wife reminds me, it also greatly improved my homemaking and pedicure skills.

      Delete
    2. It sounds like you're very comfortable in your position. I suspect others wouldn't be as comfortable with public revelation. As I said, I can only say how I would react. What others would do is up to them. Public humiliation may be an arousing fantasy, but it's a whole different ballgame when it's real.

      Delete
    3. Is it my ego and selfish pride or is it my way of keeping it private as a special thing that we share as husband & wife? Having only two special events since March is tough enough......but having to share this life with others is beyond what is comfortable IMO. My friends would not understand this life I have now.

      The bottom line is I will do whatever she asks as this is what I always do. She is in complete control now.

      Delete
    4. Yoga Girl's Husband (moderator)Tuesday, July 11, 2017

      I find it hard to believe your wife is that tone deaf in the relationship. Sounds like more of a fantasy than reality IMO, but if you can't communicate with her please seek a good marriage counselor that can help both of you hear each other.
      YG doesn't counsel.

      Delete
  9. Dear Yoga Girl,

    Since experimenting with a retaining schedule as you have described in you blog I can understand the problems of controlling ejaculation. In my case we have tried lots of Karezza (for which I thank you) and also de sensitising cream and condoms to prevent my ejacutation.
    Whilst it still hasn't always been successful I have to tell you that recently (2 weeks ago) it was. I retained for 6 days with daily stimulation and lots of intimacy. When my wife had ridden me and orgasmed I could hold on no longer and she gave me permission to let go. I now understand why your husband is happy ( or at least prepared) to wait and only ejaculate on your schedule. The orgasm I had that night is the most powerful and amazing of my 49 years. Thank you for your inspiration.
    One question as I continue to look for ways in controlling myself: I have read and re read you comments on aversive stimuli. Do you use similar consequences for 'splilages' as you used for masturbation?

    M

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's so great to hear!

      "One question as I continue to look for ways in controlling myself: I have read and re read you comments on aversive stimuli. Do you use similar consequences for 'splilages' as you used for masturbation?"

      Yes. Masturbation to ejaculation is a thing of the past for him so really the only thing that crops up occasionally is a spill, and the consequence is the agreed upon strapping. It's been so long since I've had to deal with him masturbating. If he told me he masturbated last night or something, that would be quite an intentional breach of the foundation of our relationship. I'm not sure what I would do. That seems like he would be saying he no longer wants to be in the relationship. That would be more of a very serious companion inventory about where this relationship is exactly going at this almost two year point. But at the beginning, yes, the agreed upon strapping might suffice for either. That's just us and not meant to be a recommendation for others.

      Delete